A Heart Torn Into Pieces
by gdzemama
Summary: Post 5x09, Fitz's thoughts after Olivia leaves. One Shot.


Since the day I met her, Olivia Pope has been breaking my heart, one small piece at a time. I tried to fire her that day, and the true reason that I told Cyrus to get rid of her was not only that I was insanely attracted to her. The attraction was a problem, of course, but the pain I felt inside was what ultimately made me do it. It actually hurt, that very first moment that she stood up in front of my staffers and told them all why she believed I was losing the Presidential race. Everything she said was spot on, and one part of me fell in love with her right then and there. The other part of me just hurt. It wasn't a sharp pain, not then, but I felt it right in the middle of my chest. Not my heart exactly, but close to it. It felt like a warning, and I tried to take it. I tried to fire her. But then I didn't. And as we stood in that hallway and she realized that I'd tried to fire her because I was attracted to her, the pain increased. Looking into her eyes and knowing that even though I desperately wanted to touch her, to be with her, to have her in any way that she'd let me – knowing all of that and also knowing that I could not have any of it, because of the small problem that was my marriage – was a pain like I'd never known. I know now that it was the first tiny piece of my heart falling away.

I felt that pain every time I looked at her over the next few weeks as my attraction to her grew and our flirtation began. It gathered in the middle of my chest whenever I heard her voice or caught sight of her across a room full of people. It continued on until one late night in the back of our campaign bus when I spoke my feelings for her out loud and our intertwined fingers set my entire body on fire. That night when I told her to go into her room I was really begging her to come into mine. And she did. And it was magic. Her body was perfect against mine and I was so damn happy that I had this time with her, this night, however long it lasted, she was mine. I realized I still knew how to please a woman even though my wife hadn't let me touch her for years and I hadn't strayed outside of my marriage before but Olivia's moans and cries of pleasure meant everything to me. And she gave that pleasure back to me, such amazing pleasure that all the pain in my chest dissipated until we had to separate again.

The first time she left me took me by surprise. We had agreed to end our affair after I was inaugurated as President, but of course we couldn't and even went so far as to make love on the Resolute Desk so that every time I sat there she was all I thought of. We spent hours working on speeches even while kissing and touching and loving each other by candlelight and it may have been the happiest I'd ever been up until then. As much as I loved it, I knew it wasn't easy for her with Mellie there and I don't think she realized I was in love with her until I finally shouted it at her one night in the rose garden. Our relationship was like that – a lot of passionate loving and a lot of passionate shouting. But I got my point across and later she told me she was in love with me too. My heart was full to bursting and for one perfect moment I imagined that our mutual love would save us. Instead, she quit her job at the White House and disappeared and the pain that had receded to a dull ache during the times we couldn't be together exploded back into my chest.

There were times that I thought Olivia and I were actually going to be together. The first began when I thought our relationship would be made public via a recording of our first time together and ended when she conspired with Mellie to keep me President instead. The second began when I got shot and by some miracle recovered. I told Mellie I was through and I wanted a divorce and I asked Olivia to wait for me. But then I found out about the rigged election and I lashed out at everyone, including Olivia. It took too many long, sad, and painful months for me to realize that I still wanted her and then came that fateful night when Mellie decided to go on national TV and tell the world that I was cheating on her. Instead of stopping Mellie, I sat with Olivia and told her I was choosing her and when the time ran out she came to me and kissed me so beautifully that I just knew we'd finally be together. That time she chose her friends over me, but I didn't accept that and I tried to make her mine by telling the world her name. That failed when she and Mellie conspired against me once again. It was around that same time when I had our house in Vermont built. I found that if I focused on our future, I could believe there was still a chance. Even though she was so angry with me when I found out who her father is and we thought her mother had died on the plane on shot down on his orders, I just had to show her the house. And that night, once again, I thought we would make it through all the pain. Something about being in our house made everything that much more perfect, and when she left the next morning she told me not to sell it. I still haven't.

Things only became more complicated after that and on the worst day of my life, my oldest son was killed. All I wanted after he was gone was Olivia, and no one could reach her. She'd disappeared, leaving me broken on the floor of the Oval Office, the one person that I needed and that I knew could help me through was gone. Losing my son and losing the woman I loved literally almost killed me. I tried to end my life but for some reason, I didn't succeed. And maybe I was meant to still be around when she came back to me, after more fights and more pain and the brief time that I thought I would lose her to kidnappers, when she came to me, appearing on my balcony like a vision, on the same night that I kicked Mellie out. That night I thought I was going to be alone, but I wasn't, and now that I am I wonder if I would be okay now if the past almost two months hadn't happened. If she'd never come to me that night, I never would have experienced what it is like to wake up with her in my arms, to have her waiting for me in the Residence, to get through each day with the knowledge that she was actually mine. But those days happened and the nights when we made love for hours happened, and now she's gone and I'm more alone than I've ever been.

I'm still sitting on the couch, still drinking, I've lost count of how much scotch I've finished since she left. I can't go to bed, I can't imagine getting in between those sheets without her there, with nothing left but her scent to remind me of how I thought the broken pieces of my heart might mend as I held her close each night.

I was so stupid. I thought if I could just keep her here, just somehow prevent her from running this time, everything would be okay. If I could put her in a box and keep her safe and far away from her father and from Jake and whoever else she's involved with out there, we'd get our happy ending. It didn't last though. It never has in the past so I don't know why I thought it could this time. Even without my marriage for her to throw in my face, she still found a way to sabotage our happiness. And we were happy. I didn't imagine it. I saw her smile and I heard her laughter and I know she was happy too. But maybe she doesn't know how to stay happy.

And now I don't know what to do. I can't keep trying to make it work with her when she won't let it. I'm sure she'll be better off without me. But how can I go on without her? How does a man in love learn to live life with nothing left but the pain of a heart torn into pieces? There is no future. Her words echo in my ears. There is no future. Not anymore.


End file.
